I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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