I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
