Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
