Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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