Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he thought i was a dude.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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