are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
