I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
