hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
