my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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