I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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