Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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