I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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