She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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