I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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