I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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