Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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