im six kinds of drunk right now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
