So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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