Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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