STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
