I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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