so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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