tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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