exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Four minutes until I can fart!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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