Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
