you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
