Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
