I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
