I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
