Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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