It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
