Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
