I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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