I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
