Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
