and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
