I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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