i would punch a child for taco bell
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
