He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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