just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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