So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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