i would punch a child for taco bell
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
