i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
