im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
50% drunk capacity currently
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
