My liver just broke up with me...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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