i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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