The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
