Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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