Even water is tasting like jack daniels
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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