I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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