what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
