so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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