I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize