Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
