I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
