He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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