Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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