Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(510): View more from California

You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(478): View more from Georgia

How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses

(770): View more from Georgia

We'll talk about it later...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.

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(425): View more from Washington

Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.

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