life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
