I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
